Oath of a Lukewarm Christian

I solemnly swear
That I will never fast more than I must,
That I will not utter a single prayer more than I should,
That I will not give of my belongings unless asked for,
That in such an unfortunate circumstance I shall give enough that I do not feel deprived,
That I will forget about Communion the split second its taste fades from my mouth,
That I will again commit the sins I confessed as soon as I get tempted,
That to those who wronged me I will triumphantly announce that I forgive them,
That I will earnestly flip through the Holy Fathers so I'd use them in debates,
That I'll open my Facebook profile at least four times more than I open my Bible,
That I will wear my prayer rope on a visible spot but never pray it,
That I will wear the largest cross on my neck but never honor it,
That I will piously call those I hate brother, sister, father or mother,
That I will make sure to remember when my lips say "I forgive,"
That in my mind I will bite the hand when I say "Bless me,"
That I desire to become a saint, not to be close to Christ but that others would pray to me,
That during my time with God I will gaze upon the crucifix but spy on the clock,
That when I speak to Him my mouth will be with Him but mind anywhere else,
That I will roll my eyes whenever I meet that annoying person,
That I will believe that  devils tremble when I appear,
That it is certain that angels kneel when I draw near,
That should I rise up on the left side of Christ I just shrug,
And when I, of course, arise on the right side I just politely nod.