Will You Be Canonized in the Orthodox Church?

Oath of a Lukewarm Christian

I solemnly swear
That I will never fast more than I must,
That I will not utter a single prayer more than I should,
That I will not give of my belongings unless asked for,
That in such an unfortunate circumstance I shall give enough that I do not feel deprived,
That I will forget about Communion the split second its taste fades from my mouth,
That I will again commit the sins I confessed as soon as I get tempted,
That to those who wronged me I will triumphantly announce that I forgive them,
That I will earnestly flip through the Holy Fathers so I'd use them in debates,
That I'll open my Facebook profile at least four times more than I open my Bible,
That I will wear my prayer rope on a visible spot but never pray it,
That I will wear the largest cross on my neck but never honor it,
That I will piously call those I hate brother, sister, father or mother,
That I will make sure to remember when my lips say "I forgive,"
That in my mind I will bite the hand when I say "Bless me,"
That I desire to become a saint, not to be close to Christ but that others would pray to me,
That during my time with God I will gaze upon the crucifix but spy on the clock,
That when I speak to Him my mouth will be with Him but mind anywhere else,
That I will roll my eyes whenever I meet that annoying person,
That I will believe that  devils tremble when I appear,
That it is certain that angels kneel when I draw near,
That should I rise up on the left side of Christ I just shrug,
And when I, of course, arise on the right side I just politely nod.

18 Reasons Why I Don't Wash Myself

One priest got tired of listening to excuses why people skip the Church, and has written this:

18 reasons why I do not wash myself:

1. Because they made me wash myself when I was a kid.
2. Because they didn’t teach me to wash myself when I was a kid.
3. Those who wash themselves are hypocrites – they think they are cleaner than others.
4. Can not decide which soap is better.
5. I used to wash myself before, but then I got bored.
6. I wash myself only on the great feasts – on Nativity and on Easter.
7. None of my friends washes himself.
8. Will start to wash myself when I become old and dirty.
9. I have no time for washing myself.
10. Water is too cold in winter, and too hot in summer.
11. I do not want soap producers to make money on me.
12. It is inside that counts.
13. All soaps are the same. Different soaps were invented by swindlers.
14. All wars in the world are because of the soap.
15. Every soap has it’s flaws. I wash myself with 3 different soaps at once. Only this combination of soaps is correct.
16. Science has proved it already since the 19th century, no soap, even the ideal, can wash down all molecules and atoms of dirt. That is why washing yourself is a hoax and “opium for homeless”.
17. Every soap contains top hazardous chemical ingredients affecting your skin.
18. You shouldn't teach your kid to wash himself. When he will grow up he will understand whether he shall wash himself or not, and which soap to use.

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